for sitting with the pain, for surviving a breakup-separation-divorce, for you, the spirited woman
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Surviving Separation : Just because you miss him

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

| Maya Angelou

Today I am missing my ex-husband.

I’m not missing our home, I’m not missing going out to dinner with him, and I’m certainly not missing the loneliness I felt for most of our relationship.

No, today I am missing the comfort of his love.

The last few times I have felt this intense missing, my mind has gone into a tailspin of Did I ruin my life? Was this the wrong decision? Will I ever find something secure again? 

Today, I am allowing the feeling to be what it is.

I realize that missing the beauty in him does not mean that I should go back to him. I married him for this beauty. He will carry these beautiful qualities with him forever. I can look back on them fondly.

I can miss the way that he used to look at me with wonder and curiosity.

And I can still be happy that I walked away. 

I can miss his baseline of genuine happiness.

And I can still be happy that I walked away. 

I can miss his terrible jokes and even worse timing.

And I can still be happy that I walked away. 

I can miss his cooking.

And still be happy that I walked away. 

I can miss the life we thought we were going to build together.

And still be happy that I walked away. 

Strong feelings of love or anger or sadness are healing balms for the soul. They are process. Ever changing, ever expanding, ever contracting.

I can sit with this missing and know that I am alive. I can know that I am awake. I can know that my grief is unfolding, revealing snippets of emotion that has laid dormant for years.

But in spite of it all, I can still be happy that I walked away.

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