If you’re the type of person who likes to spend a lot of time driving on long, flat highways, you may want to consider visiting the great state of Wyoming. I am writing this from the backseat of a rented Yukon mini-tank on my sixth consecutive hour of gazing out the window thinking about life.
There’s something about giant swaths of nothingness that allows even the busiest of brains to slow down and take stock. Today I am thinking about relationship to self.
I’ve jumped into a new relationship (and this corresponding project) a very short time after ending a ten-year relationship with another man. There is a big part of me that still feels unsure and unsteady about this decision. Looking out the window this morning, I’m able to find some clarity about my subtle, yet persistent unease.
My fear has nothing to do with Gavin or Evan (my ex-husband) and everything to do with me.
I am afraid of losing myself again… or still.
I allowed myself to be swallowed up by my former partner. It got to the point where I could not mentally decipher my wants from his. I’d simmered in his opinions and notions and judgments for so many years that I’d adopted them as my own. Like a fish cannot describe the water, I could not describe my feelings.
My intuition had to scream LEAVE!!!!! In order to get my attention.
We always make sacrifices and compromises when we enter into partnership with another human, I understand this. The problem is that I don’t have a solid sense of self from which to make these compromises. Right now, all compromises are coming from my majorly compromised self.
How am I supposed to know what I really think and feel? How do I fit into this new landscape?